"Kiss of the Dragon" Commentary


Commentary done between myself (Neil Koch, aka gweilo) and "American Ninja" (Ryan, aka DragonDon) from City on Fire on 11/27/02

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When you see the speaker icon, click on it to hear some sounds.

DragonDon: "Kiss Of The Dragon"... the last of Jet Li's movies that DOESN'T use Matrixed shit. Just for that alone it's a recommendation.

gweilo: Yeah, I'm getting really sick of CGI-Fu.

DragonDon: No kidding. Do you think anyone watches this to see Jet Li kick ass with the help of camera trickery? I mean, Steven Seagal maybe, but not Jet Li!

gweilo: Jet's his own best special effect. He actually has skills, unlike most of the new jacks out there who couldn't hit their way out of a paper bag.

DragonDon: Yeah, like Heath Ledger and Ben Affleck. You can't even cast them in a prison movie because the fact is obvious they would be someone's buttbuddy within two minutes.

gweilo845: I found that "buttbuddy" comment about Affleck funny becuase he's with that no talent Jennifer Lopez and her huge ass. I wonder if she gives him the stinkyface like Rikishi.

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In the battle royale of the titanic ass contest, I don't think we can declare a winner.


Of course, there are some out there that like the big cabooses.

DragonDon: I'm sure she he packs her pretty good. You know what I don't understand? The French guys in this movie, you can actually understand them even with their accents, but Christopher Lambert is incomprehensible. I mean, he can't even make "There can be only one!" sound legitimate.

gweilo: I see where you're coming from. The guy's like the Michael Wong of western B-movies. Able to simultaneously murder two languages at once.

DragonDon: No kidding.

gweilo: By the way, they used real French whores for the extras. They must have also used some real good soap to wash down the set afterwards. But they would have had to import it, because as everyone knows, the French are smelly pastry-heads.

DragonDon: Well, I'm never gonna go to Paris to sow my wild oats. That fat hooker who gets headbutted is enough to discourage me.

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Ryan says a tender goodbye to his new girlfriend.

gweilo: Ah, here's Tcheky Karyo, a great villain.

DragonDon: I love how the director tries to make this movie a lot more heavy-handed than it is. Like in the beginning shots, having a rabbit devour another. Oooh, scary! Actually, that makes me more hungry then anything, I can almost smell the turkey on Thanksgiving.

gweilo: I know, in the commentary he gives a big long explanation for it, it's like "Dude, we get it, just get to the ass-kicking". But now we have some T&A with a dirty French tramp so that's okay.

DragonDon: Okay, why would you wanna do that chick in the first place? I mean, come on, not only does she probably have nasty armpit hair, but she doesn't look that good. But then again a guy that dorky probably takes what he can get.

gweilo: Hey man, that's what a dimmer switch and liquor is for.

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Nothing takes away those "cold weather pounds" off a woman faster than a few shots of our good friend Jag.

DragonDon: Man, you would need a big keg to do a woman like that.

gweilo: Never trust those damn dirty French!!!

DragonDon: Yeah, she strangles him with her armpit hair. Just kidding. Actually, though, wouldn't they make her take her needles out of her hair?

gweilo: Well, he popped a chubby and kicked his bodyguards out.

DragonDon: Yeah, before the two got in the room.

gweilo: That's fucking bad-ass when the legs fly out of the laundry chute.

DragonDon: You know, even though I like this movie a lot, it's pretty sad that this was like one of the better movies of 2001.

gweilo: Yeah, true. I like this fight because it's different for Jet, since usually he leaves the prop fighting up to Jackie Chan.

DragonDon: I love how Jet Li kicks a pool ball at one of the guys killing him. That's Li's signature moment.

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Yes, even chubby white guys can beat some ass with the help of Jet Li's "Beat Some Ass with a Pool Ball" system. This amazing program can be yours for only three easy payments of $29.95. Order it now!

gweilo: Yeah, even the DVD is like a pool ball. There is actually some CGI there, but it's a good example of how to use it right.

DragonDon: Like when Bruce Lee went into the room full of mirrors, or when Steven Seagal stuffed a cueball into a sock and beat the fuck out of everyone, or when Dolph Lundgren slaughtered a room full of samurai with an M16. Jet Li's moment is here with the pool ball! It's too bad Donnie Yen hasn't done anything like that in any of his American movies.

gweilo: Or even been in a decent US movie.

DragonDon: That's right. "Highlander IV" wasn't exactly star-making material, but the most disturbing thing about the movie is that it is also one of the better action movies in 2001. I mean, when compared to "Tomb Raider", "Gone In 60 Seconds" and "Charlie's Angels", which is, without a doubt, the worst piece of shit I ever saw in theaters.

gweilo: I have to disagree. "Highlander IV" was a huge stinking pile of poo. It was better than those movies, but that's not saying much. The state of action movies, not just in the US or in Hong Kong, but all over the world, is pretty dismal right now.

DragonDon: I agree it was bad. Okay, it was terrible, but it had redeeming qualities. Seriously, "Charlie's Angels" was complete filmmaking in reverse, a total botch on all levels, and to add insult to injury there was no boobies!

gweilo: Plus there was Lucy Liu. No damn good.

DragonDon: Yeah, she's almost as bad as the fat French prostitute in this movie.

gweilo: At least the ho ain't cross-eyed like Lucy.

DragonDon: She should seriously get those eyes uncrossed, because she looks like a pinheaded monkey boy.

gweilo: That's fucking funny man.

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If you stare at this picture long enough, Satan himself will come out, steal your soul, and then give you a right good thrashing for even thinking that this cross-eyed freckled-faced no-talent hack was any degree of good-looking. Go ahead, do it, I dare you.


And for all you fanboys who came here through my buddy Google looking for Lucy Liu naked, Lucy Liu topless, Lucy Liu in sexy sex sexual naked lesbian dirty porn hardcore full penetration acts, shame on you.

DragonDon: Hey, I'm only telling the truth here. If anyone doesn't like my opinion can call 1-800-EAT-SHIT. But anyway, speaking of annoying chicks, Bridget Fonda is absolutely begging for kick in the ass!

gweilo: Yeah, no doubt. "My life is hell, and Richard is the devil." What the hell.

DragonDon: A good kicking is what she needs! Just like the guy who directed "Charlie's Angels", Tom Green, Corky Romano and Carrot Top!

gweilo: And that guy from the Subway commericals.

DragonDon: God, Carrot Top deserves worse then a kicking. He needs a sledge hammer to the skull!

gweilo: And Bill Bellamy for even attempting to think he's a badass by being in that "Fastlane" show. And George Lucas for that whole Jar-Jar Binks thing.

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The real explanation as to why Georgie-boy thought Jar-Jar would be a good idea.

DragonDon: Another person who needs a good kicking is that pimp who keeps hitting Bridget Fonda. I like him for that. But he's a very lame chump!

gweilo: Well, he gets his comeuppance.

DragonDon: Oh yeah, Jean-Claude Van Damme deserves a kick for making "Derailed"! And Jet Li deserves a citation, but not a full-on kick, for making "The One".

gweilo: Watch out for those vicious French cops! They have whistles! And stylish hats!

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"I've dressed up in drag and that hat is still way too girly for me."

gweilo: But anyway, another good fight here. I like how the fights are in closed spaces versus Jet's usual style.

DragonDon: Yeah, I love how he kicks the shit out of that big black guy. Wow, death by chopsticks!

gweilo: That's pretty bad-ass. Anyone who doesn't like that should go back to watching "Bridges of Madison County".

DragonDon: Or watching "Sweet November". Would you believe I got suckered into watching that movie!

gweilo: That is why I will never get married. Fuck that "listening to her feelings" bullshit.

DragonDon: Yeah, but she said it was payback for watching all eight of the "Bloodfist" movies and "Future Kick".

gweilo: Man, that sucks. Speaking of sucks, this part is fucking boring. Good thing I got my Jagermeister to prepare me for the great exposition here.

DragonDon: Here is where the movie gets somewhat slow.

gweilo: Somewhat?

DragonDon: Okay, VERY!

gweilo: They might as well put a title on that says "you can take a piss now".

DragonDon: Well, at least it's not as bad as "Showdown In Little Tokyo". At least Jet Li doesn't jump over a car.

gweilo: And we don't see big manboobies.

DragonDon: Ah, but on the downside we don't get to see Tia Carrere's boobs either.

gweilo: Well, they weren't really hers, but we need a good boobie shot in this part of the movie at any rate.

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Rule number one that I learned in film school and apply to my everyday life: when the exposition gets boring, boobies liven things up. God bless you Asia and your wonderful assless chaps.

DragonDon: Man, this part is slower then hell. They could at least zoom in on the Playboy the guy's reading!

gweilo: They try some dopey comic relief but that doesn't help matters any.

DragonDon: Oooh, that Bridget Fonda needs a good kicking!

gweilo: Kick her! Kick her!

DragonDon: Dude, at least in a Don "The Dragon" Wilson movie we would have our hero hiding out in a strip club, and some stock footage from another movie with some more T&A in it. If you have whores in a movie, at least have the decency to show some good old fashioned boobies!

gweilo: These new directors need to take a page from the oldschool. Boobies equal production value.

DragonDon: Actually, these scenes in the police station are pretty good.

gweilo: Yeah, the movie finishes off pretty well.

DragonDon: Except for that irritating crap on the soundtrack. It almost ruins the fight scene.

gweilo845: Plus the mandatory annoying smartass kid.

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Sorry, kid... the only thing you're getting for Christmas is a good swift punch to the breadbox.

DragonDon: Actually when I say, "at least in a Don Wilson movie" and so on... that's about really as far as I'll go. I mean, I swear on everything I consider holy that I'll NEVER say "at least in a Lorenzo Lamas movie" because well, Lorenzo Lamas sucks. I checked out his "Blood For Blood" movie, because it had James Lew, but Lorenzo Lamas doesn't know how to fight!

gweilo: Have you seen him lately? He must be having a mid-life crisis cause he dyed his hair blonde. Plus his 90-pound wife supposedly kicked his ass. What a wuss.

DragonDon: That's classic! His wife is a porn star! I was gonna say Lorenzo Lamas needed a good kick... but, well, since his wife kicked it for him...

gweilo: That's even better.

kiss of the dragon


We won't say it, but our boy Homer will.

gweilo: Why the hell did they have to use rap for this fight with the big blonde guys? Especially fucking Mystikal.

DragonDon: I know, it's not like it's even tolerable... it's just noise!

gweilo: This is an awesome fight though. I remember the good old days when action movies would be all these kinds of fights.

DragonDon: Yeah, it ranks right up there with George Clooney versus Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris versus Don Wong and David Carradine versus Brandon Lee. Truly classic fights.

gweilo: That piledriver would make Hulk Hogan proud. But since he's doing 1-800-Collect commericals now, a cheese sandwich would probably make him happy.

DragonDon: Oh and I was being sarcastic, in case some schmuck who reads the commentary thinks I'm serious. But, yeah, this is an excellent fight. Back to Lamas, isn't it a disgrace if your wife kicks your ass? I mean, how can we respect you and your action movies -- not that we ever did -- when you're getting your ass kicked by a 90-pound porn star!

gweilo: Well, those implants can hurt. I got a black eye from a stripper once.

kiss of the dragon

No way you can tell me that those torpedoes wouldn't hurt.

gweilo: One thing though, Jet didn't have a good closing quip. But otherwise, some pacing and script issues aside, this is a pretty tight movie.

DragonDon: And that's why I like Jet Li. He's a tough guy he wouldn't ever get his ass kicked by a porn star! Jet Li has his best American feature with "Kiss Of The Dragon", which is a very entertaining and action-packed movie. Those who miss this and decide to rent a different movie, especially from a certain actor who got his ass kicked by his wife, deserves a good kicking!

gweilo: And that about sums it up.

kiss of the dragon


And once again, for the sake of fairness, we must let one of the movie's participants respond to our commentary.

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