"The Replacement Killers" Commentary

Commentary done between myself (Neil Koch, aka gweilo845) and "American Ninja" (Ryan, aka Dragon) from City on Fire on 5/25/02

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gweilo845: I just have to say that this first part is the best in the movie and that's sad.

Dragon: "The Replacement Killers": Under-rated or just pathetic? Today on "Critic's Court".

gweilo845: Chow's clothing budget probably cost more than "A Better Tomorrow". Too bad they didn't pay any money for a decent scriptwriter.

Dragon: Chow has always been a bad ass, but here he looks like a Soviet officer with that ridiculous patch on his arm. In fact, he rivals Dolph Lundgren when it comes to bad costumes.

gweilo845: Ray-Ban actually made custom shades for Chow for this. They were hoping for a redux of the "A Better Tomorrow" craze in Hong Kong. This first bit is the best one because they use HK-style editing. But then it all goes downhill from there.

Dragon: The real problem with this flick is the lack of imagination in the action scenes. That and Mira Sorvino is no Cynthia Rothrock, and watching her try to act like her is hilarious.

gweilo845: Watching her try and "act" at all is painful. Why the hell did she win an Oscar?

Dragon: I actually heard Russell Mulcahy was supposed to direct this, but turned it down cold! Now this is a guy who did "Highlander 2: The Quickening". Not exactly good news.

gweilo845: Yeah, Simon Yam turned down a role in this as well. Guess they were smart! Even John Woo said this movie wasn't that good. And he actually tried to defend the US version of "Once a Thief".

Dragon: "The Replacement Killers" is better then "Once a Thief", but man alive, it comes close whenever Michael Rooker's ugly haircut comes into view.

gweilo845: They wasted all the money they could have spent for conditioner on the soundtrack. It's a decent tradeoff. They should have just cut the little kid.

Dragon: You know, another thing is that Chow's part could be played by Don "The Dragon" Wilson and it would be no different. In fact, I enjoyed Wilson's flicks over this because he is always fun to watch in his good films. Stuff like "Blackbelt" and "Bloodfist III". So it's a sad display how underused Chow is.

gweilo845: That is a kickass suit Chow is wearing now. He always looks like a pimp though, so I see your point. They could have put any generic Asian guy into this role. "Grand Theft Auto" has a better story than this, and actually better actors! Why was Jurgen Prochnow in this? He was awesome in "Das Boot".

Dragon: Yeah, I know, I know. It's so frustrating when they have a talented actor such as Chow and they just have him turn into a Arnold-type character. I mean, anybody who saw "A Better Tomorrow" knows this guy is awesome and bad-ass. I mean, Don "The Dragon" Wilson can never look as cool with the sunglasses. Look at his flick "Future Kick".

gweilo845: I would hate this movie more, but damn, it does look good. Imagine "A Better Tomorrow" with these kinds of prodcution values. Everyone would nut all over it like they do for "Matrix".

Dragon: You know Jackie Chan has it even worse then Chow. Because he is being typecast to death. "Rush Hour" ad nauseum.

gweilo845: Well, that is why Chow went back to Asia to do "Crouching Tiger". All he was being offered was these kinds of roles in movies by young directors trying to be the next John Woo.

Dragon: What was that flick Robert Clouse did with the gymnast?

gweilo845: "Gymkata". ARRRGH! Why do you bring up such things? Your mouth is stink!

Dragon: Because I heard Jackie Chan was supposed to have been in it. He luckily had the good sense to decline. Hell, even the kid from "No Retreat, No Surrender" turned it down.

gweilo845: I would have turned it down just for the name. GYMKATA? GYM-fucking-KATA? TEACHER! Man, another cliche in this movie. And the "evil German" guy too. And the "fat greasy Italian". I still can't figure how Quentin Trantino managed to slip himself into Mira. Especially with her dad... that dude was cast as the mafia boss in "Goodfellas" for a reason!

Dragon: Yeah, there is no justice in this world! I could see Robert Clouse doing this kinda flick with Chow. He would cast Mira Sorvino as the donkey that Chow rides on.

gweilo845: Well, at least Clouse is dead now.

Dragon: Robert Clouse would use cutout pictures of Chow Yun Fat and direct the scenes between him and Mira.

gweilo845: Hah! "Replacement Tower of Death".

Dragon: Hey, maybe Chow didn't star in this, but really it was archive footage and stunt doubles with digital manuplation.

gweilo845: That's what he'll be telling his grandkids. Another cliche... the bad guys have better guns and can't hit shit.

Dragon: Well, despite the fact that Mira Sorvino is VERY hot, this flick has little to offer. No nudity! That's like casting Van Damme in a powerful drama with Al Pacino. It ain't fittin! It just ain't fittin.

gweilo845: I know, they should have been like "Beverly Hills Cop" and added a scene where they have to hide out in a strip club or something.

Dragon: Well, if this flick had Don "The Dragon" Wilson, it would have, because Roger Corman knows us guys need some visual diversion. Problem is that Mira Sorvino wouldn't be in a Don Wilson flick let alone Roger Corman. He always finds a way to insert nudity.

gweilo845: God bless him.

DragonDon81: I say we should dedicate this commentary to Roger Corman because it must be hard to find a way to insert nudity in all your flicks!

gweilo845: Yea for Roger! YEA! We like boobies.

Dragon: GO ROGER!

gweilo845: Right now in a Corman film, they would be bringing in a whole set of topless hookers.

Dragon: I know... unfortunately, this is not a Corman flick. You know a movie is bad when we want a Corman flick instead!

gweilo845: Well, just boobies, booze or blood... the three things a good B movie needs.

Dragon: I cannot believe this flick fails on all accounts here. The action is competent, but seriously, evrything else is so standard.

gweilo845: We don't even get a full-on thong shot from Mira! WHAT THE HELL!

Dragon: Yeah, really, in a Corman flick, we would get another woman taking off her thong, and then some making out.

gweilo845: Yeah! Movies need more hot lesbians.

Dragon: Indeed. In "Ironheart" the chicks were nasty.

gweilo845: Mira making out with Asia... ooh boy. I am getting all heated now!

gweilo845: I had to think of that after you mentioned "Lionfart".

Dragon: Hehehe. That brought your boner down faster then a rock.

gweilo845: Wait, but now we have Mira and grease. Now we just need some Chex Mix and we have a party! Actually, though, I do like this shootout in the car wash. But like all the other action scenes it's too short. This is like the first 5 minutes of "Hard Boiled".

Dragon: Not even... I counted like three and a half minutes.

gweilo845: Actually, Brett Ratener says on the "Rush Hour 2" commentary that US studios don't like fights to be longer than 3 minutes. One of the only interesting things he says.

Dragon: You know what I notice is taglines that get used so much, such as "Judge, Jury, Executioner". "When the hunter becomes the hunted". Least this one has a cool tagline.

gweilo845: "Kill or be Replaced?"

DragonDon81: Okay make that original, not cool.

gweilo845: You know what the fucked up thing is? Chow made himself almost deaf and had the shakes because of this movie. Thankfully, he is better now.

Dragon: How did he get the shakes?

gweilo845: They made him do so many takes firing guns, plus US blanks are a lot more powerful.

DragonDon81: Hmm. And his hard work went for naught because the flick isn't very good.

gweilo845: Yeah. I like this upcoming part with Danny Trejo. That guy is a fucking badass.

Dragon: Actually, "King Of The Kickboxers" has really good action scenes that last for like ten minutes. Especially the Loren Avedon versus Billy Blanks fight. See, B movies have longer fights then Hollywood crap.

gweilo845: Because they are smart and know what sells. It's like "Spider-Man" or the new "Star Wars". It might be the "love story" that might bring them in, but it's the action, what you put on the screen, that keeps them coming back.

Dragon: No kidding. I loved "Spider-Man", but it could have used a few more action scenes. Yet Hollywood thinks they know what the audience wants. And they are wrong. That's why Roger Corman is popular in our camp because he gives us the violence and sex!

gweilo845: Roger! Roger! Roger! Roger! As a video game fan, I am saddened by how many good games get blown up in this upcoming bit.

Dragon: Yeah. Speaking of Rogers, I read Roger Ebert's book "I Hated, Hated, HATED That Movie". He said in his review for "Death Race 2000" that "the R rating is used to protect kids from violence. But I hope someone protects us from them!" That's one of the wussiest things a critic has ever said.

gweilo845: Dude, "Death Race" rocks. Ebert wrote "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls", so he's a hypocritical jackass.

Dragon: What was that about?

gweilo845: A trashy expliotation movie based off of a softcore porn novel. They ripped off that suitcase bit from "El Mariachi". A much better movie that onlt cost like 7000 bucks.

Dragon: "Death Race" was a great movie. I love seeing people run down other people with cars. Remember the part where the nurses get run over when they put the old people in the middle of the street?

gweilo845: And then there's the scoreboard! It was actually ahead of its time... I mean, look at movies like "Running Man", obviously "Death Race" was an inspiration.

Dragon: Yeah, I know, and then Ebert goes and recommends flicks like "Scream".

gweilo845: Wes Craven is a sellout. Goes from "Last House on the Left" to "Scream".

Dragon: Actually, my brother in law knows a guy in Chicago who saw Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert holding hands in his restauraunt.

gweilo845: They had to protect the thumbs! Like when George on "Seinfeld" became a hand model.

Dragon: You know this flick is terrible when we... 1. Want a Roger Corman flick. 2. Talk about sitcoms. 3. Talk about Robert Clouse.

gweilo845: This is a Lo Wei-esque script. TEACHER!!! OBVIOUS PLOT SYMBOLISM!!!! Goddamn, how long does it take to get weapons in LA? According to this movie, I can do it faster in fucking Minnesota. How appropriate that they are at a "Mr. Magoo" cartoon show. You would have to have been blind to approve this script.

Dragon: "Mr. Magoo" was an even worse movie than this one!

gweilo845: "Mr. Magoo" sucks ass. Stanley Tong, what the hell were you thinking? And these guys have sniper rifles with laser sights but still they cannot hit Chow!

Dragon: I mean seriously. For a rich mobster, I don't think Kenneth Tsang is getting his money's worth. Those assassins must have been grabbed at the nearest White Castle because they cannot hit a damn thing!

gweilo845: Actually, the "castle dwellers" can scrap. "You takin' my 35 cents?"

Dragon: I figured out why the Castle Dwellers can't hit Chow. Because they are so constipated that the utter pain is too hard for them to overcome. So they shoot blindly because the of the agony! A little Fibercon will clear that up. Assassins do need more roughage in their diet.

gweilo845: More Colon Blow! Or just watch this movie a few times. I feel like I have to poop right now.

Dragon: Think about Mira Sorvino and Asia... and then think about the chick form "Ironheart". This will solve your urge to shit.

gweilo845: No, now I have to puke. Thanks a lot! I was already queasy from this movie.

Dragon: See. You don't have to shit do ya? No. I call it the "miracle urge blocker". One side affect is nausea. It works well on long trips when a gas station is like 200 miles away.

gweilo845: This "climax" is so anti climatic. "The Replacement Killers" is the Randy West of action movies. Okay, any closing thoughts from you?

Dragon: "The Replacement Killers" is simply put a bad movie. Although it's not the worst debut for an Hong Kong legend... "Double Team" is MUCH worse. "Replacement Killers" is still a very disappointing movie that fails to entertain. It can't even be described as bad because it doesn't register that kind of impact. It's just barely there. Empty movie. Bottom line is that this movie sucked.

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