"Fist of Fury" (aka "The Chinese Connection") Commentary

Commentary done between myself (Neil Koch, aka Gweilo) and "American Ninja" (ANM) from City on Fire on 1/4/02

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Gweilo: Alrighty, then. So you don't like this movie I take it. I don't like Bruce's cheesy white suit at the beginning that's for sure.

ANM: Nope. It is a deadly bore that deserves to be put in solitary confinement!

Gweilo: There is a lot of boring shit, but I think Bruce looks like a badass (except for the suit)!

ANM: He always looks like a bad ass.

Gweilo: So this is supposed to be like some traditional school, so where did they get the bad high school marching band to play at the funeral? Oh, and you can't tell that this is a set at all. No.

ANM: Gotta love the way Bruce yells "TEACHER!!!!!!!!"

Gweilo: TEACHER!!! Where's my ten bucks???

ANM: Who really feels bad when their teacher dies anyway? I mean, meet one of my high school teachers, then we will talk! Speaking of teachers: Alexander [guy at City on Fire] is a teacher. I think we should dedicate this commentary to Alex. After all, we should respect teachers! I don't want any of Alex's students coming after us like Bruce went after the Japs!

[editor's note: my English teacher would be proud with all the editing I am having to do on ANM's posts.]

Gweilo: Those dirty Japs! Bruce had too much sake at the funeral and passes out on the grave, what a faux pax. This theme sucks ass. "Oooh ahhhh oooh ahhh..." I've heard Britney Spears songs with better harmony. "Aaaha oooh ahhhh", everyone sing along! Ahh, finally, Nora Miao comes out -- and MPM [main guy at City on Fire] has to have a smoke and a nap.

ANM: Well, I am almost feeling as happy as when I heard Denny Green [coach of the Minnesota Vikings] got fired, except Nora is a different kind of happiness.

Gweilo: Nora is the warm and fuzzy kind that makes you tingle in your bathing suit area. Bruce looks really stoned in this scene.

Gweilo: This dumb old guy gives the worst eulogy this side of a drunken Catholic priest. "Teacher likes you. Teacher likes the school." ZZZZZ. And now those damn Japs! Come on Bruce, beat some ass! Ooh, the clenched fist... an ass-whooping is immiment.

ANM: No shit! Let's get it on!

Gweilo: Doh! Dumb old guy ruins the fun. "Our school won't fight you" -- wussy.

ANM: Boy, this film sucks! Who directed this crap anyway?

Gweilo: Lo Wei, of course.

ANM: Oh. And to think I was gonna take some NyQuil.

Gweilo: Shots of NyQuil all around!

ANM: This movie should have been called "Fist Of Boredom".

Gweilo: I love the fights, but this exposition sucks worse than a Lake Street hooker.

ANM: That is pretty bad consider how dirty those whores are!

Gweilo: Okay, now some good shit... beat them DAMN DIRTY JAPS!

ANM: OH BOY! WAAAAAH! POW! These fights are very onesided.

Gweilo: Well, the one guy does wear glasses.

ANM: Still, the fight between Adam Sandler and Bob Barker in "Happy Gilmore" was less one sided than this! I mean, come on! He beats the shit out of the guy without even breaking a sweat!

Gweilo: There goes the guy with the Flock of Seagulls haircut, and now the Asian guy with a bad blonde dye job (aka Woody Invincible [another City on Fire guy]) goes down quicker than a virgin on prom night.

ANM: Well, Nora Miao... boy, is she hot!

Gweilo: No talk about women now. Bruce is busting out the chucks. I like how all the Japanese guys look confused, like they've never seen nunchucks before. You'd think they'd have some kind of weapon in there to fight him with. Oooh, and the Heinz ketchup for blood is flowing.

ANM: This action scene is actually well choreographed.

Gweilo: Bruce did this stuff.

ANM: Bruce did this, huh? I can tell, because the earlier scenes were not edited very well.

Gweilo: "The Streetfighter" ripped off this part.

ANM: The one with Sonny Chiba? Hopefully, not that godawful one with Van Damme.

Gweilo: Yeah, the Chiba movie.

ANM: That movie with Chiba was really good. I would like to see Bruce Lee versus Sonny Chiba.

Gweilo: Oh, hell yeah. I just have to add I love the flavor saver on the evil Japanese guy.

ANM: So you think Bruce Le is better than Bruce Li?

Gweilo: Yeah. Bruce Le is a legit fighter. Li didn't know shit, he was just put into movies because of his looks. And now we have the "no dogs or Chinese" sign. Let's make the point of the movie a little more obvious, should we?

ANM: I'm sorry. I get so bored with this movie. I don't think Bruce Li is too bad. I mean, he's better than Chuck Norris!

Gweilo: Well, watching Chuck Norris is almost as fun as passing a kidney stone, but takes longer.

ANM: I know, the guy is so dull! I can never tell his movies apart!

Gweilo: Please no more Chuck talk, I just ate. Thinking about that hairy back makes me want to vomit.

ANM: Boy, where are the fights?

Gweilo: Those damn Japs desecrated Teacher's shrine! Teacher!

ANM: Teacher! TEACHER! This movie is making me sleepy!

Gweilo: This guy taught them to be pussies. Even though Wong Fei Hung didn't like to fight, his sidekicks can always beat ass.

ANM: Wow, this movie is as dull as Chuck Norris!

Gweilo: I told you no more Chuck talk!

ANM: What the Chuck are you talking about?

Gweilo: Ok, new subject: I wonder if he taxed Nora.

ANM: I wonder if Bruce Lee got down and dirty with Nora Miao?

Gweilo: That's what I just said! Dammit! You doing shots of NyQuil again?

ANM: What the Chuck are you talking about? I never take that shit!

Gweilo: It's good stuff! That's why they give you the little plastic shot glass with it.

ANM: I would only drink it if I had to watch a Chuck Norris movie. I can't help it! It's a sinister urge! I can't stop making fun of Chuck Norris!

Gweilo: Will you quit mentioning Chuck! Now I'm gonna have to watch "Braddock: Missing in Action 3". Anyway, why is Bruce always looking at the floor in this movie? I think he's ashamed to be working with Lo Wei.

ANM: Well, wouldn't you be? I would be almost more ashamed of working with Chuck Norris. Damn it, there I go again!

Gweilo: You should be punished to watching "Yellow Faced Tiger" aka "Karate Cop".

ANM: That was the one Lo Wei directed with Norris! That is a harsh punishment, don't you think?

Gweilo: What the hell? Bruce looks at the cook's nipples and knows he's Japanese? We should see Nora's nipples, not some old dude.

ANM: Nora Miao... ohhh ahhh!

Gweilo: Poisoned by biscuits? That's crafty. Those damn Japs!

ANM: The biscuits? He should have gone to KFC and bought those biscuits. That way, the master would have died from grease poisoning and it could be considered an accident!

Gweilo: Yeah, give him KFC and White Castle. That's how us Yanks would do it!

ANM: The master would throw up or he wouldn't eat it by the smell, so I guess buying from KFC and White Castle would be ineffective.

Gweilo: Hey, Bruce is eating chicken! Hmmmmm.

ANM: I wonder if it's from KFC?

Gweilo: No, it actually looks like a real chicken.

ANM: Goodness gracious... I am unfocused! And to think, I dedicated this to Alexander. His students may kick my ass for the Chuck Norris talk!

Gweilo: Bruce kind of wusses out at this part, he has Nora alone by a campfire and he does nothing. She's lonely, you got a campfire, you got some chicken... all that's missing is a sixer of Busch Light and you would have a slam dunk.

ANM: Well, I guess real martial artists have better things to do. Not like Van Damme, who says "Come on baby, let's exchange body fluids. Look at my ass. Look at my ass! LOOK AT MY ASS!" And Steven Seagal, who doesn't take off his shirt in the sex scenes because of his manboobies!

Gweilo: Oh my god, the mandatory Van Damme "splits while showing the ass" shot. I think I will have to puke now. Wah! Bruce actually kisses her!

ANM: Bruce Lee was a real guy. A man of action!

Gweilo: I wonder if he slipped in some tongue. Gave her his own special "one inch punch".

ANM: Yeah, I heard his little man was quite the martial artist. Boy, where are the fights? This is so deadly boring.

Gweilo: I know... less fights equals more Jagermeister I guess.

ANM: I know. For "The Big Boss", we could BS around. This one is different. It's just bad.

Gweilo: Most of the movie is boring, but the dojo fight and the end bit are really good. "Fist of Legend" is so much better than this.

ANM: Yeah, I agree. I didn't like either, but at least "Fist Of Legend" wasn't this dull!

Gweilo: Whooo! Japanese boobies!

ANM: YES!

Gweilo: Take it off! Take it off!

ANM: TAKE IT ALL OFF!

Gweilo: Man, I can't believe I actually once liked this movie. The only thrill I'm getting is from cleavage.

ANM: All I can say is this movie blows. I must say stuff like "No Retreat, No Surrender" is better because at least it's unintentionally hilarious. This movie is just a bore.

Gweilo: Thank Lo Wei for this. THANKS, WEI! Jackass.

ANM: If only I had three thumbs... wait, I do have 2 middle fingers!

Gweilo: Oh, nice disguise on Bruce. That's where they stole the makeup on Ekin Cheng in "A Man Called Hero" from.

ANM: This movie makes me want to hurl myself of a cliff. I am going to get a beer.

Gweilo: I armed myself with a few Foster's oilcans before attempting to watch this crud.

ANM: Boy, are we bored. We have talked about beer, Chuck Norris, Bruce Li, Sonny Chiba and "Fist Of Legend"! This movie stinks!

Gweilo: It's almost over.

ANM: Well, these action scenes are cool.

Gweilo: What little there are. A kung fu movie with no kung fu. Hell, "Game of Death" was a better Bruce Lee movie and he was only in it for a little bit!

ANM: Yeah. One thing I admire is that Bruce Lee knew how to craft rock 'em sock 'em kick 'em in the face action scenes. But this movie is crummy. Not even "Showdown In Little Tokyo" was this boring.

Gweilo: At least we had the world's biggest dick in there! Bruce is just a master of disguise in this movie, he puts on glasses and he's a phone repairman. You might figure after some guy walks into your dojo and beats everyone, security might be tightened.

Gweilo: Of course, they have to bring on the dumb gweilo for Bruce to beat. He's got the "Brady Perm of doom" that makes him tough.

ANM: We all know Bruce Lee is gonna win. So put the movie out of it's misery! Damn Lo Wei.

Gweilo: You just can't understand his mastery of plot and characterization.

ANM: Love how the sword goes straight into the Japanese guy. I mean, what are the odds? Talk about physics working against you!

Gweilo: Besides that cheesy bit, this is good stuff. Why the hell didn't Bruce kick Lo Wei's ass and direct the whole movie? I mean, this is night and day, this is why I originally gave this movie a good rating.

ANM: Well, Lo Wei was in the Triads.

Gweilo: Yeah there are rumors that the Triads killed Lee. Betty Ting Pei is married to Charles Heung... at the least, it's conspiracy fodder.

ANM: I doubt it. I think he died of a freak accident. But Brandon Lee is a different matter. Too bad the movie is bad all around. I bet this movie would be better if it wasn't dubbed.

Gweilo: Well it still wasn't anyone's real voices, but it isn't as bad.

ANM: Yeah, but the dubbing here makes the movie seem far worse. My rating is one star.

Gweilo says: Oooh! Well, hello Mr. Fancypants! That's it. Good night and good riddance.

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