"Showdown in Little Tokyo" Commentary
One's a warrior. One's a wise ass. They're two L.A. cops going after a gang of drug lords. Feet first.
Commentary done between myself (Neil) and "American Ninja" (ANM) from City on Fire on 11/10/01
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When you see the speaker icon, click on it to hear some sounds.
ANM: What were your reactions to Showdown in Little Tokyo?
Neil: Mostly boredom; the naked Tia Carerre was nice though, but I don't think it was her.
ANM: It wasn't, I could tell. I wasn't bored with it. I just thought it was stupid! REAL STUPID!
Neil: Gotta love Dolph's "Zubaz with the open leather jacket" look... looks like he's ready to go cruising at a gay bar.
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A guy in leather flanked by two sweaty guys in tights. I'll allow you to throw in your own comments here.
What we would all love to do to Dolph at this point. |
ANM: You know, I had the blessing of getting an e-mail from the director.
Neil: That guy must have no life, doing Google searches for his own name. Was he looking for work?
ANM: He was pissed that I panned his film. He said I was disrespectful to Dolph and Brandon. And he said I only like big budget movies. Well, I gave him reviews for The Punisher and Blackjack, which I liked. And then he sent me the same e-mail. What a jerk! I wonder if Maltin's "Bomb" rating got a nasty letter.
Neil: The guy that directed this also did Double Take, no wonder he's hard up for work.
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The director for this film in a "brainstorming" session with the staff. |
Neil: Boy, this DVD is really crap.
ANM: Really, how?
Neil: Full frame, mono sound, no menus at all. I'm suprised it even has chapters on it.
ANM: Not even a theatrical trailer?
Neil: Nothing.
ANM: Jeez, what a rip off!
Neil: Well, here in the first fight sequence we already have John Woo ripoffs. And it seems that we are sticking to the action film rule that bad guys can't aim -- five guys are running at Dolph with machine guns... of course they all miss.
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How the hell could you miss Dolph with a car that size. It's a bad joke that asian people are bad drivers, but this is ridiculous.
At least they were polite before trying to run over Dolph though. |
Neil: Oh great, now Dolph's speaking Japanese. This is more painful than Michael Wong's Chinglish.
ANM: Dolph is Swedish. He is barely (at least in this movie) good at English. Why have him start with Japanese?
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Our reaction to Dolph's bad Japanese. |
Neil: Exactly -- I call it the Schwarzenegger Syndrome. And now the "valley dude quipster with lots of fight in him" (aka Brandon Lee) comes into the picture. Those expecting the second coming of Bruce should leave now.
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"Jeeze, Dolph, all I said was that I liked the jacket... calm down... where the hell is my agent? Next 'Enter the Dragon' my ass." |
ANM: "Valley dude with a lot of fight in him", huh?
Neil: That's what it says on the cover. Apparently, Dolph is "an American samurai".
ANM: Dolph as a Samurai -- that's like Matt Damon in "The Gene Siskel Story"! Speaking of which, I wonder what Siskel and Ebert gave this piece of crap.
Neil: And now Dolph has taken off the leather jacket to look tough... I swear, slap some baby oil on him, and there's some gay porn.
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Through the power of his big manboobies, Dolph is confident enough to not take offense to any badly-worded and harsh gay jokes. Before I go on, I must note that I don't give a rip about what way you swing, it's just that Dolph is supposed to be so macho in this movie, but he looks gayer than Elton John on quarter beer night.
Dolph made some new friends during this shoot. |
ANM: What is the worst part of this movie? I mean the WORST of the worst part.
Neil: God, that's hard to say, kind of like telling the difference between poop and shit -- they both stink. Now that I think about it, it's probably the love scene, because it isn't Tia Carrere. Cheap bastards.
ANM: The most depressing thing is that Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee can do a LOT better.
Neil: I wonder if either of them had a coke problem or something -- this just screams "I need the money". I mean, they couldn't have looked at the script and thought it would be good.
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"Dolph, honey, I think this movie would be good for you. Really. Now pass me that lighter." |
ANM: I agree. I mean Dolph just came off from The Punisher (one of the most sucsessful direct to video movies) and I Come in Peace, and then he made this crap!
Neil: Well, now we have the first bare boobies in the movie. It's a white chick, of course -- because you know all those evil Japanese dudes want to screw our women. They could at least get a good looking chick.
ANM: Did the white chick get her head sliced yet? I didn't get why she got her head chopped off in the first place.
Neil: Yep, very cheeseball.
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Rule #1 in bad low budget movies: the first chick to expose her goods will be the first one killed. |
Neil: Dolph is now droppin' the Zen philosophy. Good lord, I think they wrote this crap off of a fortune cookie.
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My reaction to Dolph's Zen philosophy. |
ANM: This movie is just SHIT!
Neil: Brandon just showed a little by giving a generic Japanese dude the Rock Bottom. Now if he would bust out the People's Elbow, this movie would get good.
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Rock Bottom! Rock Bottom! Rock Bottom! And Jim Ross has an anuerism as the People's Champion looks on approvingly. |
ANM: Brandon totally embarrassed himself here. See the backflip? I can see the wire.
Neil: More naked white chicks... isn't it kind of an oxymoron to eat sushi from a woman's crotch?
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This brings a new meaning to the term of "eating a woman out", or as they call it in the industry "production value", or as I like to call it "filler for when your script sucks ass".
Homer gives his opinion on the ugly naked chicks in this movie. |
Neil: You know a movie is bad when it has Winger on the soundtrack. When was the last time you heard of a Japanese guy that listened to that shit?
ANM: Nobody liked Winger, not even in the 80's.
Neil: And now we have alcohol abuse, they are breaking full botlles over people's heads... bad form. Hey, there's that one bald guy with the goatee that is all these kinds of movies -- what the fuck is his name?
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Who the hell is this guy? Seriously. And if you know him, please get him a job in a real movie. I just have these bad mental pictures of him sitting on a freeway ramp with a sign that says "will do kung fu for food". |
ANM: Would you believe this movie cost 17 million dollars? I wonder if they spent all their money on the actors and forgot about writing the script.
Neil: Amazing -- about double what Hard Boiled cost.
ANM: Yeah, it must have gone to hairstyling or Dolph's leather jacket because it looks like it was made for 99 cents.
Neil: Look at the acting range on Dolph. He's subscribing to the Ekin Cheng "constipated school of acting".
ANM: Dolph's problem is that he is about to fall asleep any second.
Neil: He does look like he's baked or something, maybe him and Brandon got a hold of Bruce Lee's hashish stash.
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Dolph is feeling the need for a run to the border. Nothing goes better with kicking ass than chilitos.
Dolph's mom is a bit concerned for his well-being. |
ANM: I mean, in The Punisher this helped make the character more frightening, but here he looks like a zombie. The Punisher was so much better than this crap. How can you recycle the same plot and get junk like this?
Neil: Well, The Punisher actually has a good story behind it.
ANM: And some good action scenes.
Neil: The Punisher is a cool character, not some "American Samurai".
ANM: Dolph actually gave a good performance as The Punisher.
Neil: The movie should have been more violent though. Get John Woo to do it instead of a version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that he's working on now.
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Yes, Dolph can make good movies. Really. We're serious. |
ANM: The Punisher was almost rated NC-17 due to violence, so it was trimmed and sent direct to video.
Neil: US studios are pussies.
ANM: No shit.
Neil: Like making a PG-13 Mortal Kombat or Resident Evil movie -- fuck that!
ANM: That was so stupid. I wanted to see fatalities! The second one was junk!
Neil: I agree... I actually liked the first, but the second was horrible... and on screen, we have more vanilla boobies. Dammit, where are the naked asian chicks in here!
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"Yeah, dad, I got a really big part in a movie... I'm dancing slut #3 in Showdown in Little Tokyo! I'm going places now!
Dancing slut #3's dad is obviously overjoyed at the news. |
ANM: Don't you get it? All the asian women refused to be in this movie because they had a career to think about.
Neil: They could have at least got a couple of AV stars or something.
ANM: This movie is a career stopper. I'm surprised Dolph got the Universal Soldier part!
Neil: There were so many movies like this one... every action star has their share of shit in their crapper.
ANM: Is this Dolph's worst?
Neil: I would say Rocky IV.
ANM: Rocky IV was worse than this?
Neil: That's a really bad movie. I didn't think they could sink lower than Hulk "Thunderlips" Hogan, but they did. "I...vill...brak...you".
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Dolph makes his Swedish bretheren cringe in Rocky IV: "I am very, how you say, constipated? Perhaps we make with the fight quickly, no?" |
ANM: Agent Red was even worse! I thought Red Scorpion was pretty lame also.
Neil: Oh yeah, forgot about those. Most of his early stuff is really bad becuase he's just the generic Russian/German dude.
ANM: The Punisher, I Come In Peace and Universal Soldier made his career.
Neil: You know what I don't get about this movie? All the Japanese guys talk in English to each other, but Dolph talks in Japanese to them. You know the worst part of this movie? I just spilled my beer -- now that sucks. Imported shit too. Now my room stinks worse than Dolph's jock after a particularly heavy set of Tae-Bo.
ANM: Hey, I am also having a beer!
Neil: I think you do need a beer to watch this type of movie.
ANM: Good god man, you need a 6-pack! Dialog like "That's the biggest dick I have ever seen on a man"... YEECH!!!!!
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This movie's two biggest fans shortly before their "vacation" to Hazleden. Note: this is not ANM and myself; drinking while watching this movie is cool, but once the clown apparatus comes out, it's time to call it a night. |
Neil: Okay, now we have a fight in a bathhouse, so we get to see almost naked asian guys but still no asian boobies.
ANM: You're gettin' horny! All the nudity in the film is appalling instead of appealing. And how come Dolph gave Tia a shotgun when she almost killed herself with the knife? I guess because she was gonna have sex with the biggest dick ever seen on a man, and that gave her motivation to live.
Neil: And now we come to Dolph's lake hideaway. Do you think the fact that he's walking around a small town holding out his shotgun while carrying a half naked chick arouses any suspicion?
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Rule #2 in bad low budget movies: going to a hideout only means you can hide out long enough to get laid before the bad guys get there... hey, Dolph's a pretty smart guy after all. |
ANM: Yeah. Well, how about this plothole. How come the Yakuza found Dolph's hideout? Mabye Dolph must have his secret place in the phonebook... "Let's see here, 555-8767 1324 Roosevelt Drive".
Neil: Well, I figure it's not too hard to follow a 6' 5" big ass white guy who always wears the same jacket through Chinatown -- kind of sticks out.
ANM: Maybe. But his house was in the woods?
Neil: I don't know, the Japanese guys probably asked around: "Hey, have you seen a big stupid white guy with a hot chick coming through this bait shop?"
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Homer tries to figure out this script. |
Neil: Dolph is now using his Jedi mind tricks now on Tia.
ANM: She just got raped by Tagawa and now she gets the biggest dick ever seen on a man. She must be worn out.
Neil: The Freudian implications in this scene are many; Dolph whips out his big gun when Tia comes in. You notice that after Dolph gets laid he immediately whips out the bigger gun -- trying to compensate for his poor performance.
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Here we observe the male Dolph in its' natural habitat. Notice how his piece is much smaller pre-coitus, and how it grows after the fact, a testament to the fact that the Dolph has mated and wants to make his territory known to all. |
Neil: This movie is like only 75 minutes long and we're wasting 10 of it here just so big Dolph can get laid. Dolph has that same constipated look when Tia is riding him. I'd be 3 and out.
ANM: She's moaning. He must be a big teaser! "That time I heard you coming"... who wrote this crap?
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Tia's reaction to Dolph's unit. |
Neil: And NO, I don't want to hear Brandon talking about the size of Dolph's unit... what the fuck is up with that!
ANM: I warned you about it!
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Don't listen to this if you still want to think Brandon Lee was cool. |
Neil: And now, we have a bad Killer ripoff, except that Chow Yun Fat didn't run around in his tighty whities. Actually, I think it's that weird Japanese getup. I don't think that would be too comfortable on the old twigs and berries.
ANM: Dolph has green boxers! My DVD helps the image! And, yes, I rented the damn DVD just for this.
Neil: Now we have a Rambo ripoff with the electrical torture scene. Man, what a great script. Dolph does have the good Schwarzengger-type "aaaarrrghhhllkk" scream though.
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"Stupid gaijin! We make you watch this movie over and over until you talk!" |
ANM: This makes Rambo look Oscar worthy!
Neil: Um, okay, so Dolph finds some shorts and boots but nothing else? What's up, gay porn poster child?
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You make the call:
What Brandon might have said about this movie if he had lived to be a cranky old man. |
ANM: Dolph has the biggest dick ever seen on a man, don't ya know!
Gweilo: Why is everyone driving a 1950's car? They must have bought out one of those cheesy theme resturaunts.
ANM: This movie is cheesier than creamcheese! The car is crunched into mini pieces! By little saws!
Neil: Ooooh. You notice how they use the really shitty car for that -- a mark of high quality.
ANM: And that bald Japanese guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looks away to laugh and say "HEAVY METAL SUSHI!" This movie stinks worse than 10 year old sushi!
Neil: Dolph has taken the grease from his hair and slapped it on his manboobies for the mandatory training scene, complete with wank rock.
ANM: Dolph really was desperate! I'm surprised he just doesn't meditate in the sewers. Oh wait, Punisher was actually good.
Neil: We have Dolph running around in a gi... who the hell does he think he is, Ken from Street Fighter? I think the Japanese on his headband says "dumb gaijin".
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Shoryuken! Toshiro Mifune must be rolling over in his grave.
My thoughts on Dolph's wardrobe. |
ANM: He looks like a skittles on steroids!
Neil: Hm, the evil Japanese company is called Red Dragon -- how original. They used that shit again in Rush Hour 2.
ANM: HMM. How about that Rush Hour 2 copied this movie, which copied millions of other films?
Gweilo: Ok, so Dolph is trying to be a Samurai, right? Since when did they use friggin' M16s? Not very honorable, roundeye.
ANM: Well he is Swede! Swedish Samurai! I'm Swedish also.
Neil: So am I... well, Swedish/German, so it's okay that we rip on Dolph becuase he is one of our brothers.
ANM: Us Swedes love Dolph, but hate him at the same time.
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One of our Swedish bretheren readies himself for a Dolph marathon. He's almost prepared to take on this movie and Johnny Mnemonic. |
Neil: And Tia Carrere earns the Academy Award for most annoying scream. She's about as bad as that little girl from Aliens.
ANM: "Help Me!" -- yeah baby, you can shut up now. I'm surprised Dolph didn't shoot her!
Neil: Who the fuck did the fight coordination in this? I've seen better fights at the bingo parlor.
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Behind the scenes audio of the setup before the fight scenes. We've got real professionals here. |
ANM: I've seen better fights in a alley between two drunks!
Neil: Drunks fighting is fun -- at least better than this shit.
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Word has it that this saucy minx will be working on the next Matrix sequel. Chicks that can kick ass rule, especially if they can do it after bolting down a few. |
Neil: Brandon is so heavily doubled in this. Dolph had a personal assistant on this movie. That had to be a worse job than being Tom Brokaw's intern.
ANM: Or Bill Clinton's. Who fares better, Dolph or Brandon, in the action scenes?
Neil: Dolph looks a bit better. He had a karate coach, something which I think Brandon could have used.
ANM: How can crap like this get released by Warner Bros.? This makes Don The Dragon Wilson movies look Oscar worthy!
Neil: Cocaine was big back then, someone was high and thought it sounded good. I'm always puzzled how crap like "Riding in Cars with Boys" gets put out. I mean, just the title sounds painful to my masculinity.
ANM: Well, I hope the people who made this are in pain for making us suffer through this garbage more than once!
Neil: Actually, Cary Tagawa looks pretty decent in this fight scene before he gets nailed. He actually designed his own fighting style -- he is always a pretty good bad guy.
ANM: Dolph is actually a decent martial artist. The Punisher, Universal Soldier and Bridge Of Dragons were good display of his martial arts. I would rather get a kick in the nuts with a steel toe than see the part where Tagawa nailed to the board. It's kinda like Godzilla versus Tagawa's stunt double. Oh yeah, I saw this in theaters with my kung fu buddies. And we hated it then and I hate it now!
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At least he won't have to be in the sequel.
Leave it to Arnold to wrap things up neatly. |
Neil: And now all the Japanese guys bow to the gaijin -- what the fuck is that shit? A fitting end to a shitty movie, I guess.
ANM: This was just garbage. I mean, where did the 17 million dollars go? This is beyond redemption! It's like a bad dream that a 5 year old has! Gimme back my 3 dollars! Oh, that's right, I'm not in the theaters.
Neil: So any closing thoughts on this masterpiece?
ANM: I must say this is a low point for Dolph Lundgren -- meaning you better leave this horseshit on the shelf!
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This guy tried too hard and actually sat through this movie sober. Learn from his mistake. Friends don't let friends watch bad movies sober.
In all fairness, I thought I'd let Dolph respond to our criticisms. |
Muchos gracias go out to Drunk Industries for the pictures of debauchery featured here, and to Yuppie Slayer for the sounds
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