In the mid-1990's, inspired by the success of films like My Father is a Hero and a growing international audience seemingly hungry for anything and everything from the world of martial arts, a new sub-genre of the kung fu movie gained a bit of popularity. These movies, which are referred to by some as "kung fu brat" pictures, feature young martial artists showing off their skills, often wrapped in the guise of comedy. Some of these efforts ended up producing quality pictures, but most, like Dragon in Shaolin, are bottom of the barrel fare that will have you quickly reaching for the Excedrin.

The basic story has a young monk, Siu-Lone (Sik Siu-Lung), being sent by his abbot to the big city so that he can discover the heart of Buddha. Along the way, he loses his bumbling guardians (among them Law Kar-Ying) and meets up with Little Bully (Kok Siu-Man), a street urchin who wants to use Siu-Lone's kung fu abiliies to make money, and Chung (Yuen Biao), an Indiana Jones-type archeologist/adventurer who is trying to protect a precious ancient Buddha statue head from his evil brother and sister-in-law (Elvis Tsui and Kara Hui). Hilarity and breathtaking action ensues.

So the film-makers would like us to believe. Or maybe not. Dragon in Shaolin, like many mid-1990's Hong Kong releases, reeks of a quick cash grab, fleeing to the market to make a couple of bucks regardless of overall quality. It always boggles my mind why stars appear in fare like this. Sure, Hong Kong actors make a pittance companred to their Hollywood counterparts, but does that mean that they have to work in a film where a young boy ties a brick to his penis and swings it around, calling it his "super invincible dicky"?

And, yes, if you were wondering, the audience is indeed "treated" to seeing the dicky, not once, but twice, as it is later shown during a drinking contest where the lad has to relieve himself after too many beers. Later, there's also a creepy pseudo-rapey dream sequence featuring the same Satan spawn, I mean, child. And all of this is in a film that is rated IIA, which is like a PG or PG-13 in the US. I know there are some cultural differences present, but this is about as far away from family-oriented fare as you can get, at least in the realm of something that is (supposedly) created and marketed with children in mind as one of the main targets.

I'm sure some of you twelve readers out there would like some information about the kung fu contained here. To be generous, it's okay. Even with Stephen Tung -- one of the best action directors in Asian cinema -- co-ordinating the fight scenes, and Yuen Biao, a legend in the kung fu movie world, having a fairly meaty role, there really isn't much to talk about action-wise.

For the most part, the veterans like Yuen get pushed aside so that Sik Siu-Lung can show his stuff, and it's hard to critically judge just how well he does, since there is a lot of undercranking used, as well as some laughable special effects, especially during the finale, which takes place on the wings of a plane. But even if we had some Drunken Master II level kung fu on display, it still wouldn't be enough to save Dragon in Shaolin from dwelling in the depths of B-movie hell.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to run out to Costco to get a pallet of Lava soap to try and scrub the image of an invincible dicky from the recesses of my mind.

RATING: 3.5