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Thousand Mile Escort
This boring old-school entry tries to liven things up by lifting some elements from the Japanese film series Lone Wolf and Cub. This ends up generating a couple of decent fight scenes that tease the viewer into thinking this might be an exciting picture. But overall, Thousand Mile Escort is marred by terrible editing that causes the story to make no sense and dubbing in the English version that sounds like it was recorded by some kids in their high school's A/V room.
Normally, picking up possible movies to review for this site via bargain bins is an exercise in futility. Once in a great while, you might stumble upon a gem, but more often than not, you're getting what you paid for. And in this case, the $1.50 your friendly neighborhood webmaster plunked down for this disc might have been more than a bit generous considering the amount of entertainment it generated. That same amount of cash could have bought a cheap beer during happy hour, and even if you've ingested more than your fair share of hoppy beverages, you'd be hard-pressed to eke out an iota of true enjoyment from a screening of this clunker.
From the start, you know you're in for a rough ride, as we're "treated" to some hammy narration, where some guy (apparently hiding in a public toilet somewhere due to the amount of slapback and echo) gives some half-ass "facts" about Chinese history that are going to end up making you even more confused. Basically, the emperor is bad, and his top general (Lo Lieh) is even worse, going so far as to slaughter the family of one of the emperor's main advisors. A rebel (Pai Ying) saves one of the advisor's kids, who, of course, is an annoying brat, but also happens to have a secret message for the leader of the rebels. Grabbing a baby cart from his brother, Pai heads off to find the rebel leader, fighting a motley crew of villains along the way.
The plot, while simple, would be serviceable enough if the film-makers didn't feel the need to adopt a very confusing style that depends way too much on flashbacks. There's also too many characters thrown into the mix, which makes the story feel that much more muddled. The action holds some glimmers of hope at points, mostly due to the various unique weapons featured, but most of the fights are over far too fast to create any real stimulation or interest. Ultimately, Thousand Mile Escort is just yet another poorly-made and forgettable old-school flick that deserves to stay in the bargain bin. RATING: 3 Note: the DVD put out by low-budget Canadian manufacturer Music Movies & More is labeled on the cover art and menu screen as "Dragon Lee vs The 5 Brothers." That is a totally different movie and should not be confused with this one. |
