Ninja III: The Domination
1984; directed by Sam Firstenberg

Hello, dear readers. You might think that after nearly 900 movies featured on Hong Kong Film Net, your friendly neighborhood reviewer (and avowed Wong Jing fan) would be able to slog himself through some cinematic chum. Well, as it pertains to Ninja III, I'm sorry, that is not the case. I could cry to the heavens for some flowery language about this "epic", bit basically everything boils down to the sad fact that this movie sucks ass. Thank you very much. Tip your waitress on the way out.

Ah, okay, anyway, if the cheese-tastic cover art doesn't inspire binge shots of whiskey, then the plot will surely lead you down the moist road of heavy drinking. So there's this semi-hot chick with a fabulous feathered hairdo who sees a ninja on a golf course getting killed. And then the ninja poots his spirit into said somewhat hotty, and then she enacts revenge. But wait! There's a hairy-backed cop who stuck his fingers into lil' ninja girl's honey pot and now he's gonna save the day.

So, um, yeah, this might be fodder for a good time if one would be percolated enough, but damn it all if every freakin' person associated with this production doesn't totally look and act just like they came off of the set of Club MTV. Except that they're not even as engaging as Downtown Julie Brown, and the actions slopped on the screen are somewhat less exciting than a C&C Music Factory video.

At the end of the day, there are many things potential viewers of this sludge could be doing, whether it's composing a symphony, getting monetary donations for those that are less fortunate, or maybe just contemplating the fuzz in their navel. Whatever they're doing, it surely must be better than wasting their time watching this cinematic equivalent of a slightly steamy bag of ka-ka.

Wubba wubba wubba indeed.

RATING: 3