With a title like Swordsman with an Umbrella -- yes, that's the actual title, not some fake one dreamed up by a nebulous gray market company -- you know you're either in for a cheestastic good time or a dreadfully awful low-budget excuse for a kung fu movie. Unfortunately, from just about the first scratched and faded frame, you'll know this is headed straight into the latter category.

The plot here's the standard revenge stuff found in several hundred other films, with Iron Umbrella going after a group of thugs who severely injured his sifu and killed his parents. Along the way, he picks up a plucky female sidekick, fights a couple of times, and walks for a really long time until he meets up with the nasty villain. Will Iron Umbrella get revenge? Should we even care after being bored to tears by seemingly endless shots of him walking through the countryside?

This reviewer certainly didn't. Granted, I am not the biggest fan of "old-school" kung fu movies, but I would be flabbergasted if anyone actually admitted to liking this movie. There aren't even any decent, much less, good fights.

None of the actors look to be particularly skilled in martial arts, and even the stuntmen are second-grade. During a mass fights, several of them can be seen moving on the gorund even though they're supposed to be dead. The horrible camerawork and editing don't help matters any, as things are either too stagnant or not focused at all.

The finale does try to liven things up, with things like blood (via noticeably placed squib packets), special effects (really awful stop-motion stuff), and strange choreography that I think might be the action director's attempt to create a "bullet time"-eqsue effect. Or maybe he just loaded the wrong film stock in the camera.

At any rate, even if you're armed with some adult beverages and are looking for a movie to mock MST3K-style, one should tread into Swordsman with an Umbrella lightly. The depths of cinematic inepitude don't get much deeper than this.

RATING: 2.5