Do you stand in line for hours to get into the "good stuff" during riblet night at Old Country Buffet? Have you recently experienced major head trauma and are still walking around? Are you a TSA gate agent who has a weight problem?

If you fit any of those descriptions, you obviously have no feeling for pain or the comfort of your fellow man and are a bit of a masochist, so you should be able to sit through Death Cage with no sweat. To anyone else out there thinking of watching this entry in the lauded annals of the B-movie pantheon, you'd better heed this bon mot of wisdom from the great modern philosopher John Blutarsky: "My advice for you is to start drinking heavily."

Because without an cache of cold frosty adult beverages at your side, sitting through a viewing of Death Cage might be as exciting as filling out the crossword in the latest issue of "US Weekly" in the waiting room of your local dentist's office, depending on your tolerance and want to intake the cinematic equivalent of steamy squeeze cheese into your gaping maw.

If you're crafty enough, and have been a somewhat regular reader of the site, you've noticed I've given no sorts of particulars here. This might be surprising to some, who have gone through great pains in unwanted and unwarranted e-mails to not-so-politely tell yours truly that a lot of our so-called "reviews" here go into almost spoiler-level detail about the proceedings.

That lack of plot detail is thrown down this time for good reason. Death Cage is the kind of inoffensive action fare that's perfect for late-night after-bar vegging-out basic-cable-watching time. Look, you need a plot? Robin Shou needs to help out his godfather by fighting in a dangerous tournament, wherein he spars with many a colorful character. There, you got it.

Anyway, Death Cage is just good enough that the fight scenes will keep you watching until the next smattering of action, and just bad enough that you'll have a good time pulling out your best "Mystery Science Theatre" lines out to lay waste to the numerous piles of bad gweilo acting fodder this picture lays out before you.

RATING: 5