Golden Needles
1974; directed by Robert Clouse

The director of Enter the Dragon, Robert Clouse, returns to Hong Kong with Golden Needles, a detective thriller starring Joe Don Baker as a private dick known simply as Dan who is sucked into the quest for the ancient Chinese world's version of Viagra: a statue that shows a series of hidden acupuncture points which will grant the recipient sexual prowess.

Even though Dan doesn't speak a lick of Cantonese and generally looks like he just rolled off of the couch after getting done with a bender, he's the sort of chap who gets things done, agreeing to steal the statue for a cool US$30,000 and a roll in the hay with his client, Felicity (Elizabeth Ashley). With baby batter on the brain, Dan quickly manages to abscond with the statue from the clutches some nefarious Triads (led by Roy Chiao and his henchman Richard Ng) which sets a chase in motion that ends up heading to Los Angeles, where Dan teams up with an old army buddy (Jim Kelly) to keep the statue from the clutches of a crazy and rich old pervert named Winters (Burgess Meredith).

From Lalo Schifrin's sleazy bass-heavy score to Jim Kelly's afro/porn star mustache combo to Burgess Meredith's grotesquely oversized and garishly colored bowtie, Golden Needles is fully ensconced in 70's cheese, which actually goes a long way to making the film more enjoyable than it should be. That's a good thing, because Robert Clouse was never that great as a director, with many of his films suffering from poor pacing and wooden acting, two items which are shown in spades here. At times, it seems like Clouse just planted a camera in a room and opened a magazine while he had the actors read their lines off of cue cards.

Giving credit where it is due, though, one must note that Clouse usually did get the most out of highlighting the strengths of his lead actors, and, as such, Joe Don Baker is fun to watch here. It might surprise the younger readers out there who know Baker from his later fare, such as playing a doughy FBI agent in James Bond movies, that at this point in his career, he was actually regarded as a legit tough guy, especially after the success of Walking Tall. Baker's burly and gruff charms are ultimately enough to win over the viewer and make Golden Needles worth a watch if you can dig on the products that come from the less-polished side of 1970's cinema.

RATING: 5