video cover

The Spy Next Door
2010; directed by Brian Levant

During the beginning credits of The Spy Next Door, a "best-of" reel of Jackie Chan's movies runs. Even though the choice of clips is negligible (The Tuxedo? Really?), you'd better enjoy it, because immediately thereafter, the quality of this release takes a sudden and much noticeable turn for the worse. Even taking into account that this is a PG-rated kids' movie, The Spy Next Door is a pure and unadulterated pile of discomfort on the level of the morning after a Taco Bell and Special Export binge.

The Spy Next Door    The Spy Next Door

The loose semblance of a plot has Jackie as Bob Ho, a Chinese/CIA spy who has struck up a romance with the woman (Amber Valetta) who lives next door to his safehouse. He's the spy next door! Get it? Anyway, Bob wants to marry Amber, but her kids aren't having any of it. Of course, each of the spawn falls into a stereotype (bratty teen, nerd, and hyperactive tot) that no one else besides Jackie with his fortune cookie wisdom can overcome. Think I'm kidding? To get the hyper kid to sleep, Jackie sings to her in Chinese, and then later lil' miss annoying whines that she wants more "China songs". Ugh. Jackie -- c'mon man. Seriously, do you need a paycheck that badly?

The Spy Next Door    The Spy Next Door

But wait! I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. George Lopez is in this. Why? Who knows. Is there a large cross-over between fans (all two of them) for Lopez Tonight and kung fu? Maybe there is, but that still can't prepare you for the cinematic punch straight to the breadbasket that is Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, you read that right. Billy Ray fucking Cyrus. Hannah Montana's dad. Achy-Breaky Heart. The mullet of doom. Yes, that Billy Ray Cyrus. As I sat in a semi-empty theatre mourning the five bucks I just spent and trying to understand how and why a picture like this got greenlit in the first place, Billy's bon mots of Kentucky widsom like "spying is easy, babysitting is hard" made me come to the conclusion that Jackie Chan has officially shit the bed when it comes to his career, at least Stateside.

The Spy Next Door    The Spy Next Door

I won't point the finger at Jackie himself, or the fact that this is a kids' picture, for just how atrocious The Spy Next Door is. Around the World in 80 Days, though certainly a flawed film, showed that Jackie can make a good US kids' movie. But that was six years ago, and now, whether it's lack of English skills or just pure ego, Jackie hasn't been on fire as of late when it comes to choosing western productions. He really, really, REALLY needs someone with half a lick of sense to give him advice on which roles to take, because too many more of these clunkers are going to unfortunately sully what is one of the most legendary careers in movie history.

RATING: 2

Movie Reviews / Main Page