"Hard Target" Commentary

DVD cover

Commentary done between myself (Neil Koch, aka Gweilo) and "American Ninja" (Ryan, aka ANM) from City on Fire on 3/1/02

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When you see the speaker icon, click on it to hear some sounds.

[editor's note: some of this commentary was lost in "transit"... meaning that I didn't save it properly. But what was left was pretty good, so I decided to put it up anyway.]

Gweilo: Wow, we are actually watching a movie that is widescreen!

Ryan: Yeah, the movies we have commented on have been cheap. Well, now we make the giant leap to big-budget movies!

Gweilo: Well, I think that is relative. This movie had the budget of the catering on MI2.

Ryan: Yeah, but MI2 was a major borefest. At least this has good action.

Gweilo: This first guy that gets killed is the screenwriter, a former Seal and NYC cop. I have the unrated version of this and this guy gets fucked up a lot more.

Ryan: Yeah, in this version, he never leaves an impression... he just gets arrows in the ass.


That might hurt worse than the aftermath of eating White Castle and Taco Bell in the same night.

Gweilo: John Woo sure likes the motorcycles. And we see the great Lance Hendrikson... the man that might have been the Terminator.

Ryan: Yeah, Lance is a great villain, especially in movies like "Johnny Handsome" and "Stone Cold", where he was the one redeeming factor.

Gweilo: He's one of the best B-movie guys. It takes alot to make a cheap role look good.

Ryan: Ever see "Pumpkinhead" with Lance?

Gweilo: Yes, a cool movie besides the really bad special effects.

Ryan: Yeah, the monster looks almost as bad as The Thing in Roger Corman's version of "Fantastic Four".

Gweilo: Yancy Butler needed to show her ta-ta's in this movie. In the unrated version Van Damme, of course, shows his ass but we get no money shot.

Ryan: Just like "Laser Mission", Neil is robbed again! Actually, "Hard Target" gets a lot of bad press, but I liked it. People that call it a bad movie need to see the "Star Wars" holiday special. Now that's bad.

Gweilo: Oh no. Now we get Van Damme's greasy mullet of doom! What a chameleon.


Jean-Claude just learns that he must pay for his own mousse.

Ryan: There is absolutely nothing John Woo can do with Van Damme's outrageous hair and accent. He looks bad with the hair.

Gweilo: He grew that for real! I remmeber seeing him on talk shows with that.

Ryan: Like he's trying to do a parody on Steven Seagal.

Gweilo: Except that he's not a pudgy Shaolin wannabe.

Ryan: Dolph Lundgren also grew long hair in "Johnny Mnemonic". And Arnold did it in "Conan"! What the fuck? A man looks tougher with short hair!

Gweilo: This is a cool fight scene though. Especially when he busts that guy's arm.

Ryan: I say the thugs should grab Van Damme's hair! Yank on it and Kick him in the face!

Gweilo: I know. For street thugs, they play real nice. And Chance broke the window! He could barely pay for the gumbo! He will only be able to afford the jumbo tub of mousse now.

Ryan: It seems ironic that a bunch of country boys can't take Van Damme but Mickey Rourke's bodyguard knocked him out.

Gweilo: Yeah but that's Mickey Rourke's bodyguard... he's probably used to beating up white trash.

Ryan: I mean, the guy who knocked him out is like 380 pounds! He is heavy duty. You would think with Van Damme getting all the practice on his wife that he would at least put up a fight.

Gweilo: Hah! Reminds me of a joke. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice already.

Ryan: Neil and I do not advocate violence against women. We just like to take cheap shots.

Gweilo: Chance perfecting his rope tying skills. He's got years of practice from roping the one-eyed snake.

Ryan: It's bad enough Van Damme shows his ass in every movie, but now we have to talk about his dingy?

Gweilo: I think the ass shot must be in every contract.

Ryan: I mean that was the only part that sucked about "Universal Soldier"!

Gweilo: I want this kind of rawk song to play whenever a woman sees me.

Ryan: No... the "Friday The 13th" theme plays when women see you.


"Hey, baby, how about a date?" It's so hard for hockey mask-wearing machete-brandishing psychopath spree killers to find a good woman nowadays.


Probably this theme song doesn't help matters either. This has to be the most unmenacing horror movie music ever.

Gweilo: Oh, and now Van Damme tries being a comedian by making fun of the name "Nat". Her parents didn't name her after a bug, it's a "Facts of Life" reference. John Woo is a huge fan! Tootie versus Blair in a two-gun double-fisted showdown!

Ryan: "Facts Of Life"... I never watched that show. Well, maybe I did, but it was always because a "Bloodfist" movie was on after it.

Gweilo: You were probably too young, and you should be thankful for it!


"The Facts of Life" -- proof that even chubby untalented whiny actors can make it big in Hollywood. God Bless America!


If you ever want to drive someone insane, play this sound over and over and over.

Gweilo: Oh oh oh... we do have boobies, but they're just printed on paper! What a gyp. Hey, it's the Mummy!

Ryan: Arnold Vosloo... he was in "Darkman II" and "Darkman III".

Gweilo: Arnold Vosloo is a cool actor. He said that Van Damme treated Woo like shit.

Ryan: Yeah, Jean-Claude treats everybody like shit. I mean, he beats his wife, and for a while he was on cocaine. But someone I know who met Van Damme said he was a nice guy. Of course, this was right after he made "Universal Soldier: The Return" so he is more humble now.

Gweilo: Damn! They didn't show Yancy's daddy's crusty body in this version. But then Arnold Vosloo gets the cool line in. "Wakee wakee you FAT FUCK!"



Try telling this to your girlfriend in the morning and see how that works for you.

Ryan: Yeah, that's what I would like to say to Teen Critic II [an internet reviewer Ryan has a vendetta against]. She is such an idiot. "Spice World" a four star rating? She deserves to have her ear sliced off!

Gweilo: You are a bitter, bitter man.

Ryan: Okay, maybe, but who really believes "Spice World" is better then "Face/Off"? And she calls "Empire Strikes Back" sexist, but gives "First Wives Club" a great review! Damn feminists!

Gweilo: Calm down buddy! Maybe it's time for some NyQuil.


2,000 years of Western civilization and this is the best England can give us. Kind of sad, isn't it?

Ryan: I'm okay. When I think about that idiot critic it makes me want to... never mind. Lance Henriksen does play good piano though.

Gweilo: Almost as good as Craig Weathers in "Happy Gilmore"!

Ryan: Carl Weathers... lay off the NyQuil.

Gweilo: You shut up! Your mouth is full of stink!

Ryan: Better stink than shit.

Gweilo: Okay, this guy already beat ass, and you know he's tough, so you just send two rednecks to get him? And, of course, Chance finds the evidence that everyone else missed.

Ryan: Yeah, damn incompetent cops! No wonder why we couldn't get O.J. Simpson behind bars.

Gweilo: He couldn't point her titties north!



Some of New Orleans' finest display their command of the English language.

Ryan: I wonder why John Woo decided to go for a unsymbolism-laced movie.

Gweilo: That is really funny. "Hard Target" is John Woo 101.

Ryan: I mean, with "The Killer" you had the doves. "A Better Tomorrow" you had the coat. "Blackjack" you had the sunglasses. "Face/Off" you had the merry-go-round. And in "Hard Boiled" you had the gun in the book. "Hard Target" you have Van Damme with a damn mullet. Least it's better then MI2. Tom Cruise in the air with two guns... SHUDDER!

Gweilo: Well, you know he did all his own stunts... *cough*

Ryan: Tom Cruise must be gay because he dumped Penelope Cruz and left Nicole Kidman. Two pretty chicks. Tom Cruise is almost as bad as Heath Ledger.

Gweilo: No, I just think Tommyboy was jealous because those women are prettier than he is!

Ryan: Could be. Why is he still making movies when he is so gay! I mean, he is as macho as Boy George.



Ryan meets Tom Cruise and expresses his love and admiration for the actor's body of work.

Gweilo: Okay... anyway... this coroner is the world's worst doctor, who keeps chain smoking nowadays?

Ryan: Yeah, I love the part where he gets shot through the door. That's 100 percent John Woo there.

Gweilo: That is kick ass. Bing Bong, Avon calling! You're dead!

Ryan: Yeah, I know. I wish "Broken Arrow" would have done something that cool.

Gweilo: You can actually see his scalp fly up. And Arnold gets another good line... "what a funny little man." He should be the star of this, not Van Damme.

Ryan: Did you know that "Face/Off" was originally written for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone? Can you imagine how bad "Face/Off" would have been?

Gweilo: Pardon me, I just threw up.

Ryan: I can just see it. "You die, Stallone. Cut! My dentures fell out!" Stallone yells "I DID IT ADRIAN!"

Gweilo: Hah. "I can't hold two guns, they are too heavy!"

Ryan: Set the movie in the nursing home! Where Nicolas Cage is in jail. Have that take place in a nursing home.

Gweilo: Okay, well, apparently, there are like no cops at all in New Orleans. People are just walking around with bigass automatic machine guns. Sounds like my kind of place!

Ryan: Ahh... they are on strike. A bit taken from "Robocop 2".

Gweilo: Ohh, I forgot about that "plot development"!

Ryan: Woo knows how to cover up plotholes. You know, "Hard Target" has good action scenes. I like the way he builds suspense by having freezing the camera lens.

Gweilo: The cinemaotgraphy in here is better than his other US films I think.

Ryan: That miscast made for TV stink bomb "Once A Thief" misused it. Woo could do nothing with it.

Gweilo: Do not ever mention that piece of shit again. That "movie" soiled John Woo's name.


If you want to keep your image of John Woo as a cool director, do yourself a favor and never, ever watch this movie.

Ryan: Well Woo hasn't sunk as deep as Tsui Hark and Ringo Lam have but still. John Woo at least proved he could do a made for TV movie right... "Blackjack", anyone?

Gweilo: Well, "Once a Thief" was made for Canadian TV. They edit WWF stuff! Damn Canucks!

Ryan: Yeah! I say we should go to war with Canada! Canadians always beat us in hockey and it's payback time! 5-2 was a disgrace! And they didn't even have Wayne Gretsky!

Gweilo: Boy, you are just hopped up tonight.

Ryan: Any John Woo movie gets me this way.

Gweilo: You're getting worse than Van Damme after a weekend bender.

Ryan: To the contrary, I have never hit people drunk! Only if they piss me off.

Gweilo: Damn, John Woo did that action movie cliche here... bad guys can't hit shit, but the good guys are eagle eyes.

Ryan: I wonder why a comedian hasn't parodied it yet. Wait, "Hot Shots Part Deux" did that. "Hot Shots" is a cool movie.

Gweilo says: Gee, you can't tell that Van Damme was doubled for the stunts.

Ryan: Van Damme is just a wussy. Arnold did the stunts in "Commando". Dolph did his stunts in "The Punisher", and Jackie Chan always does his stunts, but Van Damme is so afraid to mess up his face that he refuses to. Bastard.

Gweilo: "I might bruise my ass!"

Ryan: Speaking of bastards, how does it make you feel that Eric Roberts got Asia Carrera to sit on his lap and we couldn't!

Gweilo: Grrr. That greasy bastard!


This picture is just wrong on so many levels. Who the hell is Eric's hair stylist, Stevie Wonder?


I politely ask Eric to leave Asia alone.

Ryan: Yeah... he works his way up from "Burp Slop Get A Mop" [aka Mariel Hemingway] to Asia... I guess that is work in progress. Eric, you slimy sonovabitch!

Gweilo: I would say that he must have a huge package, but Asia doesn't like them big. Well, here we have a big budget movie and we are talking about Asia Carrera and Eric Roberts!

Ryan: Lucky bastard. If I was Eric I would have had to change my pants! Oh wait... I know why we're being low budget, it's because it's slow here.

Gweilo: But now we have Wilford Brimley. Drinking moonshine. And talking cajun. Whooo boy.

Ryan: Yeah, that guy is weird.

Gweilo: Wonder if he makes the moonshine with Quaker oats and insulin?


Only John Woo would have the balls to try and make this wrinkly old guy an action star.

Ryan: It's too bad a hippie didn't get killed in this movie.

Gweilo: Um, okay.

Ryan: Yeah, I mean it. I just looked out the window and there's some dumbass with a tye-dye shirt on singing "Green Tamporine" [whatever the hell song that is]... I wish I could throw something at him!

Gweilo: I think you need to move, or do what I did, put on Andrew Dice Clay and stick the speaker out the window.

Ryan: Hold on a minute. I am going to yell "shut up".

Gweilo: This movie can't be that good. We are taking "hippie time outs".

Ryan: I can't help it. He's singing!

Gweilo: You need to set up booby traps like our boy Wilfred here.

Ryan: Yeah we need to shoot an arrow at him. And douse him with flames. This movie makes me want to hunt that guy!

Gweilo: Of course we do not advocate violence.

Ryan: Of course not.



After this heated commentary, I think we all need a little "time out".

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