"Laser Mission" Commentary
Commentary done between myself (Neil Koch, aka Gweilo) and "American Ninja" (Ryan, aka ANM) from City on Fire on 2/22/02
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When you see the speaker icon, click on it to hear some sounds.
Gweilo: This movie is hilarious!
ANM: Better than "The Crow"?
Gweilo: Just on the cheese value, yes. It might be the best bad movie ever.
ANM: I bet the DVD is crummier than the one for "Showdown In Little Tokyo"!
Gweilo: No, it is actually better. There are menus, bios for Brandon and Ernest, and it is in stereo. All for $5.
ANM: WHAT! THAT'S BARGAIN BIN QUALIITY! Out of four stars, what do you give the DVD?
Gweilo: Shit, for $5? Three stars. Though the cover art is from "Rapid Fire".
The only thing better you could spend five bucks on would be some sliders.
Gweilo: This movie makes "Showdown" look like Shakespeare!
ANM: Ahh, but "Laser Mission" is funny. "Showdown" was just bad! Considering the budget of "Showdown In Little Tokyo", which was 17 million, and "Laser Mission", which was 2-3 million at the most, "Laser Mission" is vastly superior. Plus Lee has a few good moves here.
Gweilo: I liked Brandon's "Cuban" makeup myself. Hey, senor, give me your jeep!
ANM: That was pretty bad!
And the Latino community lets out a communal groan as Brandon puts on this expertly designed disguise.
You too can learn Spanish in six easy steps.
Gweilo: Oh, and he is so badly doubled in the action stuff.
ANM: So what are you gonna give "Laser Misson" out of 10?
Gweilo: 6. The movie itself should only warrant a 1, but it is so cheesy, it's fucking hilarious. We're talking the "Plan 9 From Outer Space" of action movies here.
ANM: Haha. Boy, are you gonna get mean letters protesting that. "How the hell can you give 'Laser Mission' a higher rating then 'The Crow'!"
Gweilo: Fuck 'em.
ANM: I saw this in a theater.
Gweilo: What? It was actually in a theatre?
Gweilo: My god.
ANM: I saw it in 1990 with my kung fu buddies.
Gweilo: That girl in here does have nice boobies. Production value!
Proving once again that he is the master of bad disguises, Brandon attempts to put the mack on this little philly.
ANM: She doesn't show them though! They have a sex scene but they edit it.
ANM: Gotta love the music by Pink Floyd drummer!
Gweilo: Who? It's all German people on the crew.
ANM: Pink Floyd drummer... David something.
Gweilo: David Gilmour? No!
ANM: I think so!
[Editor's note: once again, Ryan was drinking NyQuil. The music was done by David Knopfler, who was in Dire Straits.]
ANM: MERCENARY MAN! MERCENARY MAAAAAAAAAAN!
Gweilo: So what country are they supposed to be in?
ANM: South Africa.
Gweilo: Then why are they saying "senor" and "senorita" and that shit?
ANM: At one time South Africa was occupied by commies.
Gweilo: Yeah, but why are they speaking Spanglish? If they are in South Africa, they don't speak Spanish there! It's like a Godfrey Ho movie where he was trying to make another movie where they are in Cuba or something.
ANM: Cubans and Russians occupied South Africa for a long time.
Gweilo: Hmmm, ok... it just seemed weird.
The scriptwriter in another "brainstorming" session.
Gweilo: Dammit, this chick doesn't get naked? What use is she?
Gweilo: Movies like this need the 3 B's: boobs, bullets and booze.
ANM: Well, it has two. Like Meatloaf says, two out of three ain't bad.
Gweilo: A Meatloaf reference? I spit Jager out of my nose on that one. "Aye, keep quiet there lassie". What the fuck is a Scotsman doing in the desert?
ANM: What Scotsman?
Gweilo: That miner guy.
A drunken Scotsman and a camel. There's a dirty joke in the making.
ANM: What the hell was Ernest Borgnine thinking? The guy won an Oscar! And was in "The Dirty Dozen"!
Gweilo: Ernest sold out! He was also in "Escape from New York", my second favorite movie.
ANM: I wonder if anybody became famous after this movie besides Brandon Lee?
Gweilo: Um, no.
The romance! The passion! Well, okay, maybe not.
No one's going to become famous with dialogue like this.
Gweilo: This girl really needs to show her boobies. This is coming off like one of those cheesy edited USA "Up All Night" movies.
ANM: How can you cast Borgnine as a scientist? The guy hardly strikes me as a guy with high expertise with anything.
Gweilo: Well, he pulls off that accent so well, and you know any guy with an accent has to be smart.
ANM: Whatever happened to the guy?
Gweilo: Living off of "Airwolf" residuals?
ANM: Well, how old is the guy? Him and Charles Bronson... I miss them!
Ryan's dream movie.
Gweilo: He's so old dust shoots out when he busts a wad.
ANM: He's 85! The guy is a dinosaur!
Gweilo: He's so old the Dead Sea was just sick when he was born.
ANM: I wonder if the school bus was invented yet in his time?
Gweilo: Bus? They didn't even have schools. The "teacher" was the guy that knew not to piss on the fire.
ANM: Actually, I saw him in "Spike of Bensonhurst".
Gweilo: Him? Him who? Dave's not here, man. And why don't they show the boobies? Like this chick is too good for it.
ANM: There has to be a unrated version somewhere. In any case, I can see why Brandon Lee took the part in "Showdown In Little Tokyo" now.
Gweilo: Well, it's like working with Scorsese after this!
ANM: Are you still gonna give this a 6?
Gweilo: Yes, it is proably one of the best bad movies I have ever seen.
ANM: You gotta see "Fist Of Fear, Touch Of Death" drunk.
Gweilo: I have... it still sucks!
Worst. Movie. Ever.
ANM: It isn't even funny! I mean, they say Bruce Lee's grandfather was a samurai... he was Chinese, not Japanese!
Gweilo: It is just so stupid, like that cheesy Bruce Lee double that they have... he has a mustache!
ANM: Yeah that's exactly what I mean. The women being attacked are smiling during their rape!
Gweilo: This bad guy in here was actually in a James Bond movie.
ANM: Gram Clarke?
Gweilo: I don't know his name. He was the Russian weasel in "Goldeneye".
ANM: Really. I am not a big fan of Bond though, are you?
ANM: How could you stomach "A View To A Kill"?
Gweilo: I don't have that one. I hate Roger Moore as Bond.
ANM: Well even though Dolph is in it, I still hated it!
Gweilo: Roger Moore sucks. George Lazenby is a mack daddy compared to him.
Worst. Bond. Ever.
ANM: Roger Moore was in the Van Damme movie "The Quest" which was pretty awful!
Gweilo: A bad reworking of "Bloodsport".
ANM: Yeah, but the fights were awful! And Van Damme as a mime!
Gweilo: That's why I said BAD. Lay off the NyQuil, man!
ANM: I am not satisfied with bad, because AWFUL describes it!
Gweilo: "Schivenhult"? Ernest just said "stuffed sauasage" to descibe his daughter being killed.
ANM: Yeah, he probably was hungry!
Ernest Borgnine -- living proof of the need for a good retirement plan so you don't need to appear in crap like this to pay the bills.
Ernest explains why he took this role.
Gweilo: And I have to say that that diamond is the worst looking one ever! I should get it and bring it to the bowling alley. Maybe I could trade it for a shoe rental.
ANM: They probably robbed a candy store to get the diamond.
Gweilo: I always like it in these cheesy movies when the german guys just say like one word of german. "Schnell!"
ANM: Or "Nein!" They probably spent the majority of their budget on the title, where they shoot out L-A-S-E-R-M-I-S-S-I-O-N.
Gweilo: Well, that is pretty swank.
ANM: Would you believe that 17 people at IMDB gave "Laser Mission" a 10/10?
Gweilo: There is a lot of stupid people in the world. This girl has a more annoying voice than Stephanie McMahon!
There must be some correlation between breast size and voice pitch. If this hasn't been scientifically proven, I'd like to volunteer my services.
I make my first hypothesis.
ANM: Look at the way she squrims when she gets diamonds thrown in her boobies!
Gweilo: Ohhh, the BIG PLOT TWIST! The damn dirty rooskie doesn't stay dead! Oooooh, the supense builds.
ANM: Yeah, the guy is about to say "You Americans shoot me with your..." and then BOOM! What is the budget for this, because that was the crappiest explosion I have ever seen!
Gweilo: Hey you know RC cars cost a lot!
ANM: And you find out that the cute girl's name is "Zeffer". How many people do you know named Zeffer? I can just see her in the first grade. "Alyssa Zeffer is a Heffer!"
Gweilo: Okay, let's wrap it up. Personally, I have had better bowel movements than this movie -- at least I was more entertained.
ANM: "Laser Mission" is a movie that defies it own badness... and comes up smiling. "Laser Mission" is not a classic... classic and "Laser Mission" don't even go in the same paragraph... but "Laser Mission" is still enjoyably bad. For all you Brandon Lee fans, enjoy! HA HA WE CUT YOUR HEAD OFF MANANA!
"If you're wondering why I'm smiling, even though this movie is a piece of garbage, at least it beats hanging around with a sweaty shirtless Dolph Lundgren."
"Plus I have this as my swank theme song."
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